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Why don’t I want to lose weight?

July 16th, 2012 by Andy

48/30 Jeans writes in from THE INTERNET:

Yah, I’m fat, and while its causing me a variety of social and medical maladies, I can’t get over my stress/boredom eating patterns to do anything about it. Plus, food is tasty. My question is: why does my over-eating so easily defeat my many motivations to not be fat?

This website was never intended — nor do I intend it to be now — any sort of a weight-loss advocate: It’s just some fat guys giving out advice. I was never that depressed about being fat; it was just a choice I made. It was inarguably a bad one, but it was more fun to drink and eat too much than to not, so whatever. That being said, it’s no secret that I’ve recently lost a bunch of weight (I’m half-way to my goal of not being a Fat Guy any longer) and it’s hardly a shock that my body and GI tract both feel quite a bit better after taking off 45 pounds.

The problem with your question, 48/30 is that I have no idea why you’re fat right now, so I have no idea how to tell you to fix it. But I can make a guess: You’re probably a little depressed and not very good at interacting with people, so it’s easier to drink a six pack and eat a burger than it is to go be social. At least, for me that was a lot of it. My main motivation for losing weight was the oldest in the world: I’m getting hitched and I didn’t want to look back at my wedding photos and think, “What a fat fuck I was.” Or even worse: “What a fat fuck I still am.” I’m not saying there’s anything inherently wrong with being fat (or being whatever, to a large degree). You are who you are, and if you choose to be and are happy being fat then keep on keeping on. But for myself, I was no longer happy and I could see that, in the future, I would be unhappy looking back and knowing that I acknowledged that there was — for me — a problem and chose to do nothing about it.

As to finding your motivation… you’re going to have to find your own motivation. Sorry. If none of the reasons that you already know (health, appearance, romance, stamina, walking up stairs, looking down and seeing your penis, buying clothes from the regular section and having them fit, knowing that you can go buy a vintage avocado green sportcoat from Goodwill that will actually fit, living longer, fitting in airplane seats, fitting in Asian cars, not feeling like a slob eating a burger at a restaurant) do it for you, having me reiterate them won’t do it for you either. But I did, and you’re welcome. As to why that is, it’s because it’s easier to do nothing than it is to do something. For myself, I was shocked at how easy it really was to just count my calories and stay under a reasonable limit*. So there’s that. And food is tasty (christ I love eating), and I don’t want you to think that I starve myself. I eat cheeseburgers and fries, and steaks and potatoes, and cheese and bacon, and all that stuff. I just don’t eat a cheeseburger every day. I don’t eat bacon every day. I eat a reasonable amount of food and I try to eat less meat, less fat, and more fruits and vegetables. For the most part, it’s just commons sense stuff: Fewer calories and less fat makes you less fat.

If you want to know my real secret, I got a calorie counting app on my Android that helps me to keep track of what I’ve eaten. It’s from a website called Fat Secret and the app is called Calorie Counter. No links, because they’re not paying me. But it’s easily Googled.

Anyhow, sorry that this isn’t a solid answer. But if you can’t find the motivation in yourself, then nobody else is going to find it for you. Good luck on whichever path you choose!

* What worked for me may not work for you, whomever “you” happens to be. Consult a doctor before starting on any exercise or weight loss regime. I’m not a doctor. I don’t know what I’m talking about. But I did lose 45 pounds by eating fewer calories. That’s all.

I’m an unconfident jerk and I can’t handle my girlfriend being attracted to an actor. Tell me why I’m wrong.

July 6th, 2012 by Andy

I’m a fat guy. My fat girlfriend has the hots for Channing Tatum. Now she wants to see Magic Mike. Should I let her? Should I break up?

-Artie Fatsobottom

Should you “let her?” Let her what, walk away from the controlling prick with whom she’s unfortunately found herself in a relationship? Because I’d support you “letting” her do that.

I gotta be honest with you: I wasn’t entirely sure who or what a “Channing Tatum” is. At first I thought you were talking about Tatum O’Neal, and I didn’t understand what the big deal was, since Little Darlings was quite enjoyable. But then I Googled up a picture of the guy, and dude, re-fucking-lax. It’s hardly a shock that she finds him attractive, unless she’s blind or homosexual (and even if she were gay, she’d probably still acknowledge that duder is a fox). So the fact that your “fat girlfriend”* has the hots for a very attractive Hollywood actor is something you’re going to have to learn how to deal with. In much the same way that she has to deal with your attraction to Megan Fox or whatever else stereotypical, clichéd starlet you’ve got the hot pants on for.

It’s perfectly fine to look. Both for her, and for you. Just don’t be a jerk about it. It’s her responsibility to acknowledge that her finding Channing Tatum attractive is something that might make you slightly uncomfortable. And thus it’s her responsibility to downplay it a little while you’re around. And it’s your responsibility to laugh it off. But she’s under no responsibility to tiptoe around you being a douche. And saying things like, “Should I let her [see Magic Mike]?” and “Should I break up [with her because she a) thinks an attractive man is attractive and, b) wants to see this attractive man in a movie]?” Those are both controlling, asshole things to say. And if she had written in, I’d tell her to tell you to man up and cut the bullshit and if you don’t to break up with you.

So what I’ll tell you is to man up and cut the bullshit.

She’s a grown up. She has the right to see whatever movie she wants, regardless of whether the lead actor makes you feel like a slob or not. And cut the controlling asshole shit. It’s never cute, and there’s no excuse for it once you’re out of your teens.

* The fact that you felt the need to specifically point out that she was fat in your note is kind of another nail in the you’re-an-asshole coffin. I mean, I don’t want to make too many assumptions about your relationship, here. But even if she is a bigger girl, I’m willing to bet that she doesn’t appreciate it being pointed out to some random asshole on the Internet. Unless she does appreciate it, in which case, carry on. But my money’s on, “You called me your ‘fat girlfriend?’ What the fuck! Was that really necessary?”

Is six months of dating enough before an engagement?

June 12th, 2012 by Andy

I have a boyfriend, who is 25, I am a few years older, (5). Six months of dating, four of those living together. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, is it possible for a 25 yo man, to commit till death do us part, and it actually happen?

-A Name I Didn’t Remember to Make Up

Is it possible? Of course it’s possible. People can have whatever feelings at any time. They’re feelings. What you mean to ask isn’t whether it’s possible or not, it’s, “Does this guy actually love me after six months?”

And who the hell knows? In my opinion, if you’re both into the relationship in the long term, then six months is about the right time to start thinking about serious shit. So I don’t see that timeline  as being a problem. Add in the fact that you’re thirty and he’s twenty-five — which is to say, “Prime Engagement Years™” — and you’ve got yourself a big bowl of, “I could handle staring at this chick for the rest of my life.”

Now. Here’s the tough part: You don’t seem to be as into him as he is into you. I’m basing this entirely off of the three sentences you’ve sent me in our entire lives. But I kinda don’t feel like you’d be asking the question if you really believed the answer was yes.

The bottom line, of course, is that you need to ask him these questions and not me. If your relationship can’t handle an, “Are we really serious about this whole marriage thing? Have we weighed the pros and cons?” discussion, then it’s probably not time for a marriage.

So, you realize that I’m a 31 year old male who got engaged to his 29 year old female fiancée last year and my answers are given from this perspective, right?

How do I ask someone out? With my mouth, or….?

April 17th, 2012 by Andy

Ducky quacks from the wilds of the internet:

So theres a guy that comes to my job (comic/hobby shop)He’s huge and perfect and cuddly and all that girl junk, and we’ve got the same taste in comics, video games, and action figures. At the risk of sounding conceited im not terrible to look at but he barely talks to me no matter how much I try. My question is How do I ask him out when he doesn’t make eye contact with me?

Hey, does anyone know how I can gently break the news to someone that they may not be as attractive as they think? I’m kidding. But maybe not. Who knows? I don’t know what you look like, so I’ll just take you at your word.

There are several possibilities as to why he doesn’t make eye contact or talk with you. He could be dating or married already, he could be gay, he could just not be attracted to you for whatever reason. He could just be a quiet guy who doesn’t like talking to shop clerks. Who knows? It’s been my experience that people — especially fat dudes — that frequent comic and hobby shops aren’t the most socially apt folks on Earth and nothing would shock me less than him just being too awkward to think there’s a possibility of you or anyone being interested in him.

But really, your question is very simple to answer: JUST ASK HIM THE FUCK OUT. I mean, shit. There’s no secret. Next time he’s in, corner him when he’s reading the latest issue of Marville* and say, “Hey! How’s it going?  I’m making a stupid joke about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or what-the-fuck-ever we comic book-slash-video game nerds joke about! Doom II was great! So look, I think you’re cute and I’d like to go out on a date with you. Here’s my number and if you feel like going out, give me a call. No pressure!” That’s it. Then the ball is in his court. I know for damned sure that, when I was single, were a girl to come up to me and say that, I’d be sold.

Sorry there’s not some magic secret answer, but look at this as a learning opportunity: If you want to ask someone a question, ask someone a question. It’s a good policy to have in life. Much better than the whole suffer in silence and hope that the laws of physics will cease to exist and somehow homeboy will just be told by the universe that you want to make out with him.

* I Googled “bad comic books” and apparently you dorks think that Marville was some seriously bad shit. But bad like bad, not bad like good. Christ I’m white.

Caring is Good, Except When You Care About Stupid Fucking Shit

March 29th, 2012 by Sean

A banner headline (well, I suppose that’s a anachronism these days) on quite a few news websites today is that Starbucks puts bugs in their milkshakes. To be more accurate, Starbucks uses cochineal extract as a form of red dye in their strawberry drink mix, an ingredient made from ground bodies of beetle-like insects. A food and cosmetic additive that has been around for years, once an intrepid vegan barista discovered this ingredient, she passed it along through the pasty whole-grain subculture she frequents, and less than twelve hours later, it’s a top headline on CNN.

I’m assuming that there are people who are bothered by this. Like with the “pink slime” hamburger menace that’s sweeping supermarkets throughout the country, there is a sudden knee-jerk revulsion lately toward anything processed, as if processed foods have ever been produced through anything other than…well, a process. And science is a big part of that process. See, there isn’t some asshole neighbor lady growing strawberries out back behind your local Starbucks in her community garden, graciously donating them to her local coffee concern, where they can be muddled by hand and blended with farm-fresh milk to make your strawberry whatever. There are thousands of these fucking coffee places. Just fucking thousands. Scale dictates that science and industry have to create something a little more productive if there is a profit to be made, let alone feed America’s insatiable appetite for whatever weird fucking combination of ingredients has yet to be sung about by a cartoon or celebrity or small-titted magazine cover.

Here’s the thing: we’ve all, ALL OF US, eaten bug corpses thousands of times. THOUSANDS! Ever had anything red that came out of a box, bottle, or wrapper? Chances are you’ve crammed pounds of liquid beetle carcasses into your food-hole over the years. The question is: what is the problem exactly? Is it because they’re insects? Poor insects were bred and butchered just so some asshole fiddling with an iPhone can have a psychologically pleasing pink tint to his berry-like milk beverage? Or is it simply the idea that you are eating the ground remains of an insect? Does it even matter?

Rather than answer those questions, all I really want to point out is that there is a lot of shit happening in our world, just about every moment in fact. While it’s not possible to care about it all, or maybe even most of it, whatever portion of some you are able to achieve in your daily wanderings between eating, shitting, sleeping, and sex, maybe be a little more fucking selective in what you choose to dedicate precious oxygen. War. Healthcare. Christina Hendricks’ fantastic rack. There are three things of at least slightly more import than the fourth-quarter notion that scientists might have been tricking our brains and bodies with chemistry lo these many years.

Besides, you’d think the whole-grain crowd would just be happy that the stuff is a natural, organic ingredient. Fucking fickle nitwits.

Help! I Can’t See My Junk!

March 27th, 2012 by Andy

The self-nicknamed “A Fellow Fat Guy” writes:

As of last week, I can no longer see my genitals… How do I solve this awkward problem?

I guess I’m going to have to clarify: By “I can no longer see my genitals,” do you mean that when you look down, your gut is now large enough to preclude seeing your genitals from a an overhead vantage point? Or do you mean that you’re standing in front of the mirror and your junk just appears to no longer be in its appropriate place (i.e., your crotch)? Because if it’s the latter, then you should get yourself to a doctor posthaste as that is not something with which I can help you.

If it’s just that your gut is so big that it’s obscuring your dick when you look down, then that’s fucking easy: The official Ask a Fat Guy™ Diet! And I’m going to give it away for free to all of you. It’s fairly involved, but I’ll try and simplify it for you all in a handy ordered list

  1. Eat fewer calories
  2. Exercise

You still with me? Good.

See, although I’ve sort of settled fairly comfortably into this whole “fat guy” thing, it’s not really a very healthy lifestyle choice. Also, I’m getting married in September, so I’ve got something for which I’d like to at least make an attempt to look decent for. So I’m currently in the process of becoming a less-fat guy. And so far? So good. I’ve managed to lose more than twenty pounds since the end of January, which is to say I’m going down at the rate of about ten pounds per month. And there was no secret involved. I just started paying attention to what and how much I was eating and choosing to eat less. That’s it. There’s no secret. None at all, in fact. (Okay, maybe there’s a tiny secret: You need to work out what your basal metabolic rate is — the amount of calories you burn in an average day — and eat fewer calories than that. For me, it’s about 2,900 calories per day, but I’m a tall, bulky beast of a man. Yours will likely be lower, as I’m likely taller and broader than you.)

Don’t bother with any sort of low carb, shit beach, Mediterranean paleo or what-the-fuck-ever bullshit. Just eat less and exercise more. That’s it. That’s the secret to healthy and sustainable weight loss.

See, here’s the thing with all of the various fad and food restricted diets: They largely do work insofar as you will lose weight, but it isn’t sustainable. Do you think that you can manage to go the rest of your life without eating starch? I know I sure as shit can’t. Would it be nice to lose a shitload more weight in a god damned hurry? Absolutely! But there’s no fucking way at all that I’m not going to eat potatoes, bread, corn, sugar, or any of the other deliciously carbtastic foods. Not going to happen. But I am perfectly capable of limiting myself to 2,900 calories a day for like, nine months to lose weight and trying not to make all of them liquor, then permanently limiting myself to about 3,000 calories per day — that’s both easy and realistic. I’m also capable of hitting the gym to speed things up and make my lungs and heart work better. I don’t want to, but I’m capable of it.

See how easy that is? Great! Eat less, exercise more. Good luck on seeing your cock again.

Talk to your doctor about losing weight. I’m neither a medical doctor nor a nutritionist. But I do hold a Ph.D. in Funk. (I do not hold a Ph.D. in Funk or any other field.)

Just because a person hasn’t said anything doesn’t mean they don’t care

March 15th, 2012 by Sean

Then again, it doesn’t mean they do. All of this is a way of saying that the biggest obstacle toward living is often simply trying to push breath through your lungs on a prolonged basis. Granted, no one ever said that life was going to be an extended orgy of bliss. However, there was never a mention of the word “Iowa” in that calculus either.

Reader Feel asks, “How do you accept yourself and become confident?”

My first recommendation would be to avoid advice from people on the internet. They tend to be either full of shit, trying to sell you something, or part of a federal law enforcement pedophilia ring task force. Having said that, there are a few things I would offer which should get you well on your way:

1) Never accept anything anyone tells you…ever.

2) Demand your rights and hold firm to your opinions, generally in as severe and piercing a manner as possible.

3) Make random, snap judgments.

4) Be unforgivable.

5) Use complicated, mutual-syllabic words incorrectly, yet be consistent in your inexactitude. That way, people dumber than you will be impressed by your vocabulary and think you erudite. Conversely, your intellectual betters (or at least those who might question or correct you) will begin to question whether or not you may be right. Loudly ravenous confidence works that way, especially against people who have nothing else going for them but intellect.

6) Most of all, hate and love sloppily — in equal measure.

Those are just a few gems I can offer. At some point, Feel, you are just going to have to find what pathology works most effectively against your friends, family, and co-workers. After all, winners are read through the psychological havoc left in their wake.

Where Did Hot Dogs Come From? And What are They?

March 13th, 2012 by Andy

italiadude writes:

Who invented the hot dog, and what exactly is in a hot dog wiener?

When the hell did Ask a Fat Guy become, “Ask a fat guy some shit I could find out on Wikipedia?” I mean, seriously. Our stock-in-trade is advice. Advice. You didn’t ask for any advice. You could have asked, “What’s the best way to prepare hot dogs?” Or, “I’m fat and love hot dogs, what do I do?” Or even, “I have a hot dog stuck in me. I don’t want to say where. But how can I get it out?” Oh well. What the hell. I’ve got a few minutes.

Anyway, hot dogs. What a subject. Oh boy howdy. This certainly hasn’t been covered several times on The History Channel and Food Network. It’s not like you can turn on the television to just about any random channel on Labor Day or Independence Day and learn everything I’m about to tell you. (Shit, maybe I’m being ethnocentric. Your name is italiadude, so maybe you’re in Italy. Okay, sorry. You probably don’t get Food Network. I’ll lay off.) First and foremost: They’re fucking delicious, as are most sausages. And they’ve existed in some form or another for about 600 years. Ever since sausages existed, people have realized that bread plus salty meat equals I’m getting drunk tonight.

Modern hot dogs were invented by a Japanese man named Takeru Kobayashi. Kobayashi sprang forth fully formed during a mild eruption from Mount Fuji’s lesser-known neighbor, Mount ソーセージ, and promptly moved to Coney Island in 1870, where he changed his name to Charles Feltman and opened up a hot dog stand. And ever since, New Yorkers won’t shut the hell up about how much better their tubes of emulsified meat — and their hot dogs — are than everyone else’s.

The name “hot dog,” of course, was a result of the original source of meat for the sausages: Guys named Doug. The “hot” part of the name is fairly explanatory, and “Dog” is simply a corruption of “Doug,” which occurred as an attempt to distance the industry from its cannibalistic origins.

Nowadays, guys named Doug are in fairly short supply, and they’re in heavy demand for things like podcasts and movies in the “Super Size Me… with pot” genre. The industry has generally switched to pork, beef or a mixture of the two, with a healthy* dose of fat. Poultry-based hot dogs, using chicken and/or turkey are common, too. The meat and fat are emulsified — it’s ground up into a slurry — then jammed in a non-edible casing (generally — there are some brands that use an edible casing, but the vast majority don’t) which is made out of the dreams and regrets of guys who end up managing national chain electronics stores, cooked, and then the casing is stripped off. Good times. I’m not sure at what point during the manufacturing process they add crack cocaine, because hot dogs are fucking addictive.

So there you go, italiadude! You could have Googled it yourself, but you chose to rely on me and I think you’ve made the right move. Best of luck to you.

* In this context, “healthy” may not mean what you think it means

Do fat guys have innies (wiener-wise)?

January 5th, 2012 by Andy

chubbydj writes:

Do all fat guys innie when they are soft

How many fat guys’ dicks do you think I’ve seen?

Check out Them Mudds — Andy & Lamont’s new radio show!

November 7th, 2011 by Andy

As you may have noticed, things at Ask a Fat Guy have slowed down considerably. You can chalk it up to inertia, and you people not really participating in the whole process. Anyway, just though you guys would like to know that Andy and Lamont are doing a radio show called Them Mudds for Party 934. You can listen every Monday, 2-4 PM Eastern, 11-1 Pacific at party934.com, or if you happen to live in the Hudson Valley in New York state, tune in to 94.9 on your FM dial.

Thanks for playing and watch this space for new junk happening soon. (Soon in terms of geologic time, obviously.)