Reggie from Bethesda, Maryland writes in:
With the 4th of July this weekend, I was just wondering what the best way to grill a steak is. After all, you seem to be pretty fat. I guess you’d know.
Yes, I am fat, to be sure. And yes, I do know how to grill a steak. But your glowing assessment of my reasons for knowing so make me less inclined to be of much help, Reggie. For you see, even fat guys have feelings. True, bacon-wrapped and covered in something cheesy, but still, you know, feelings.
Yet, as a believer in giving out the best information, even when I find myself entirely insulted, I feel I should share a little of my secret barbecue knowledge with the general populace. Cooking a steak (doing it right, that is) isn’t an art. It’s alchemy. There’s something much more mysterious and beautiful to the process. That cow gave up its life, probably shitting in fear up until the end, so that you might have a nice meal with friends and family. The least you can do is show a little respect to the sacrifice and the cyclical nature of life. In other words, don’t be an asshole, and listen closely to what I’m going to tell you.
First, the steak itself: frankly, no matter what cut you go with, you really can’t go wrong with a nice hunk of beef. Personally, I find ribeyes to be the just about the finest in steak delight. But whether you are after a strip, some kind of loin, or something a lot less, you know, good and a lot more shitty, it all comes down to the cooking. And when we say cooking, we mean RARE TO MEDIUM RARE. That is how a steak is supposed to be cooked to be fully appreciated — about 125F to 135F in the center, with a nice pink to red interior and delicious juices galore. A nice sear, with a dark brown exterior, is what you are aiming for. Any cooking beyond that is simply ruining your piece of meat. If you are unwilling or unable to eat rare beef, then stick with chicken, pork, or fish. You need something much more bland for your childish palate, my worthless friends. How about a Hot Pocket? I hear they have them in cheeseburger-form now.
So, searing: contrary to popular belief, searing doesn’t actually seal in juices. You can still lose that through puncture or evaporation. (Thus, never, never use a fork on a steak — always use tongs. The next time you feel the desire to grab a cooking fork and stab through a beautiful, sizzling piece of beef, stab yourself in the eye. You don’t need to see to enjoy good steak.) No, the purpose of searing is about creating flavor and texture, that delicious crunch/chewiness on the outer crust that results from the Maillard reaction — a dance of heat altering the amino acids and caramelizing the sugars on the outside of your steak. That’s where the flavor is. And none of this “oooooo, I want grill marks” bullshit. Grill marks aren’t a measure of well-cooked beef. They are a measure of all of the real estate you are ignoring on your sear. You want a uniform brown (think whiskey) color on each side, maybe a little blackened fat on the edges. So, don’t be afraid of heat. It’s your friend. So, get in there and use it, pussy!
The usual setup for a good grilling is the 2-zone or Direct/Indirect Cooking Method. Steven Raichlen (if you’ve ever looked in the grilling section of a bookstore, you know who this guy is) has done the work for me, so I’ll just let him take away the rest of the explanation. I’m a fat, lazy man, Reggie; I don’t have time for explaining more than I feel is necessary. Or until I have to take a shit. In any case, the indirect cooking method (using a combination of direct heat to sear, then indirect heat to cook through) is your best bet for grilling the perfect steak. Myself, I just pile one side of the grill with more charcoal so that it remains blisteringly hot while the other side, with just enough to remain warm, can bring my beef up to temperature (remember, the 125F to 135F range) without burning or drying out the steak. Like I said, it’s a bit of alchemy. You have to experiment with a setup that works best for you.
Notice that I’ve said nothing about cooking times. There’s really no way to tell you exactly how long to cook a steak. The size and thickness of your cut, the heat of your fire, whether you are cooking with charcoal or using gas…there are a lot of variables that go into making that piece of raw beauty into a thing of culinary art. But here’s a handy guide from Men’s Health that should give you a good way of knowing when you are in the ballpark. The most important thing: no forks, none of that thermometer garbage, and if you should think that cutting into a steak is a good way to measure doneness…well, stop what you are doing. Put down the beer, take off the apron. Roll the old Weber kettle into your living-room. Dump the contents onto the floor. Grab your keys. Lock the front door. Get into your car and drive to McDonald’s. At the drive-thru window, ask the kid in the filthy visor to punch you in the mouth until he reaches bone. It’s about the best thing you could do for America, Reggie.
So, get out there and enjoy the bounty that being American affords us. While the rest of the world lives in strife and squalor, choose to show them how little you care by enjoying the kind of tasty treats that only a wasteful, gluttonous culture like ours has the balls to expend resources on, Reggie. If starving children around the world can’t appreciate our need to rape the land and slaughter hapless animals in an attempt to satiate our impossible appetites, all while ensuring that our children will have to face the financial and environmental consequence of those choices, well, then, as they say, the terrorists something. Not eat steak, most likely. And really, Reggie, would you ever want to be friends with someone who would deny you a steak?
Of course not. The terrorists are the bad guys, Reggie. You aren’t supposed to be friends with them. What were you thinking?
