Andy — hope that Haiti continues safely. A little nugget of my Iowa experience, just for you.

I was out the other night having dinner with friends. Being a Saturday, it was naturally quite busy. However, what I failed to realize was that the vast majority of the crowds weren’t your usual mix of Iowa cow people and ugly children. Instead, prom night had descended upon the Texas Roadhouse with a vengeance.

First, let me say this: Texas Roadhouse is exactly the kind of steakhouse chain restaurant the name implies. Lots of loud country music that the waitstaff stops to dance to, at apparently pre-determined times, with an obviously obligatory zeal, lots of peanut shells on the floor and cheap beer on the tables, but also lots and lots of steak. And that’s the important thing to remember. It’s a place to eat some cheap fucking steak and blot out the memory of a job you hate on a Saturday night. Yet, group after group of Iowa farmbred hillbillies come in, wearing their camouflage tuxes and camouflage ball gowns in what I can only assume is some kind of small-town attempt at irony, and I’m thinking to myself the whole time: I’m pretty sure somebody’s “condom” is going to “break” tonight.

Second, who the fuck takes their prom date to the goddamn Texas Roadhouse? Is that what gets you laid these days? Even in Iowa? I mean, I realize these are some fat, ugly girls here. But remembering my own high school experience, I always found that even a chance at some heavy petting usually required just a tad more thought than: “Well, what’s near the mall?”

So, to all you hillbillies out there hoping to plumb the depths of some scabrous land-monster, maybe next time think it through a couple more steps after picking out that fine gillie-suit tuxedo you found in the Cabelas catalog. Don’t bother with the suit and the steak dinner. If you are going to fuck a pig, take her to a farm or even a city park. Make sure there’s mud for mixing up some slops. Then you get in there and fuck that pig. It’s what you were bred for, right?

Happy Prom Night, everybody!

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 17th, 2011 at 8:40 pm and is filed under Ask a Fat Guy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.