Frederich von Scheiß-Haus of Rhede, Germany writes:

I’ve just seen the movie The Human Centipede (First Sequence). Is a “human centipede” like the one shown in the film really possible? Please respond quickly, as my vacation begins shortly.

For those of you unaware of this particular film, The Human Centipede (First Sequence) shows what happens when you’re a young, pretty girl and you visit Germany: A mentally unbalanced retired doctor sews you ass-to-mouth to two other people, thus creating a sort of “human centipede,” or Siamese triplet, connected at the gastric system.

(For the record, I have little difficulty in believing this would occur in Germany. If, for example, the film was set in Poland, or New Zealand, or Belgium, that would be a stretch. But Germany? My disbelief is thoroughly suspended.)

There are really two questions here: First, is it possible to surgically attach three people, ass-to-mouth in the manner depicted in the film; and second, given that such attachment is possible, would this “human centipede” be capable of indefinite survival?

The answer to the first question is quite simple: Yes, without a doubt, it would indeed be possible to surgically attach three humans together in the manner depicted in the film. I don’t believe that it would even be very difficult, mechanically. Their blood types would, however, need to match. I don’t think their poo types make a difference. (Obviously, I’m not a doctor, nor am I a surgeon. But given the fact that surgeons can turn a wang into a vajayjay — and vice-versa — I feel like they could pretty easily sew some flaps of butt skin to some cheeks.)

The second question gets a bit more difficult. The easiest portion of the question is the nutrient problem. The human body is reasonably efficient at the task of breaking down and extracting nutrients from food. Thus, the lead person will be fine, but it is exceedingly unlikely that the second will get enough calories and nutrients from the first’s feces, and nearly impossible that the third will get anything but fiber and roughage — which, as I understand it, is good for one’s regularity (you’re in luck, person three!), but has little in the way of nutritional value.

Believe it or not, I struck out trying to find the actual nutritional content of your average human poo. But, as a fat guy, I can assure you that simply eating more and expecting the caloric and nutritional difference to pass along down the line doesn’t work; your body simply stores the difference between what you need and what you’re taking in as fat. On the basis of that — and no real medical research — I’m going to go ahead and say that no, it would not be possible for persons two and three in the human centipede to sustain themselves on the feces of persons one and two, respectively. But, if you find yourself a part of a human centipede at some point in your life (and really, won’t we all), you can take heart in the fact that you will survive long enough to regret your decision to travel to Germany.

Here’s a thought: How many people look at The Human Centipede (First Sequence) as pornography? I feel like the number might be surprisingly/disturbingly high. There are, after all, a lot of Germans out there.

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor. Sean’s not a doctor. Lamont is not a doctor. None of this is medical advice. Don’t travel to Germany. Don’t sew people ass-to-mouth for any reason. Also, this is satire, so don’t take it too seriously.